Suicide takes thought!

I speak from experience regarding thoughts of suicide. Most people don't just do it on the spur of the moment...at least not people who aren't depressed. Depression alters your view of life and the circumstances that surround that life. I say this to make a point that this particular post doesn't come lightly from me...I'm just trying to make light of a different aspect of living and dying.

So, I've made a choice to eat better and to take better care of myself. How am I doing? Not too good. I have failed miserably this week. But, I have made some observations that should help me in the future. Previously I had mentioned that I don't take the time to enjoy my food (if you're reading this on my blogger page then you will need to see a previous post here... look for the other Reese's picture). When food looks like crap it is easier to avoid it...even when you think you really want it. As is the case today. So, just who has been messing with my Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? Here is what they looked like coming out of the package today:

This isn't very appetizing, is it? So, I have decided that since these treats are going to continue to not look as good as they once did that starting next week I will not partake of their sweetness anymore! If I'm going to eat something ugly on purpose it better be because it is actually going to do something beneficial for me rather than leading me to an early grave. I did have to think about this for a few moments before I quickly ate the ugly confections. The more I thought about them, after consuming them, I realized that eating these things was just as bad as when I used to contemplate suicide. Though I may not be putting a blade to my wrist I am putting stuff in my body that is slowly poisoning it.

So, suicide is in a way just like eating badly. It will kill you. I decided a few years ago that I wasn't going to allow "me" to kill myself; but, allowing stuff like this to be eaten is still doing just that. This has to stop not just in though but in my actions as well. I may not be thinking of how to kill myself...but what I am still doing is doing the job just the same. Just like suicide is the easy way to escape difficult situations that seem to have no resolution so too is eating poorly. In order to live life to the fullest one must be able to enjoy the fullness that is offered. One cannot enjoy said fullness if they are ill of health...or mind. In order to make sure that I am as healthy as I can be I must be responsible for what I put into my body. So...with that said, I will return to my diet of eliminating sugar and most grains.

I have asked God's help and I know He is helping me. First off, the food (if it can even really be labeled as such) looks ugly and second off...it is starting to taste ugly as well. It has seemed that the past few weeks the only food that truly tastes good is what I make at home. I know I won't even be able to use some of my "non-stick" pans for much longer because I am beginning to smell the toxic chemicals that are in them when they are heated. Now, only if God would give me the energy to work out and actually burn off some of this extra "fluff" that I have gained over the past few years. I guess, it's one step at a time. He's making me more aware of the importance of what I put into my body. I know the importance of taking care of my body...hopefully the next step will be having the energy to do it. I know I feel better when I eat better. Perhaps once I am eating better regularly I will also have the energy to take care of the outer layers along with the inner?

With that said, it is back to the fermented breads and desserts (if any) and healthy all around cooking. I wish I liked more veggies...the few that I do like get old after a while. You can only eat green beans for so long before they too start looking ugly! I'll have to culture more Kefir too...I ran out the other day and can really feel the differance. When I drink it for breakfast it gives me energy and fills me up until lunch time. I've missed it the past couple days...and my skin has taken advantage of the situation going crazy with the ungodly amounts of sugar I have consumed to propogate all of the yeast that naturally occurs on the skin's surface to the limits of where the yeast has taken over the task of making my skin appear ugly. Sugar = acne; though, this acne is all over and not just on my face.

You know, I have had a headache for the past few days. Do you think that my body was banging my head against a brick wall without my knowledge because of what I have knowingly been feeding it? I feel like banging the same wall because of my lack of self control and responsibility. Bad Angie! (I can't really blame Andy or Danny for this one...you know the old Bad Andy Domino's commercials.

As far as Danny goes, it is his fault and he knows it...I'm just taking responsibility for it this time because he won't change!)

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