Just recently, mortality has come to the forefront of my
mind. In a different way than normally,
mind you. It has always been there because
of my mom’s illnesses and then my own.
But, recently, things that have been sensitive issues in the past seem
far exacerbated and fresh. For example, my
mother’s passing in 2013…granted, grief has many different stages; but, it
seems I’ve back stepped in my progress.
It is back to being almost completely fresh and new and hurts like it
did in the first year of coping. The
only thing I can think that would be the cause of this is that my marriage
completely shattered and the pieces fell into a completely new and beautiful creature
of grace, love, and forgiveness. All the
years I’ve spent being secretly scared and seemingly indifferent are now a
thing of the past; but, they try to hold me captive with regret and self-loathing
for allowing myself to be what I was instead of what I should have been. For the very first time I truly feel life in
my marriage and know that the man that is by my side loves me inside and out
beyond comprehension. I feel the
security that I always wanted and hate that 21 years were wasted wanting
something that I wasn’t fully capable of receiving though I wanted it
desperately.
The fear of failure and rejection is slowly ebbing; but,
with that change in the tide, a new fear is trying to creep into the
picture. The fear of losing the man I
love, just when we are finally learning how to fully love each other…that fear keeps
lurking in the darkness. Every time we
are apart my mind wonders if our goodbye will be the last. Did we screw up too completely to deserve
this chance at happiness? Is this period
in life going to be short lived? I hope
not…with everything in me I want it to last at least a minimum of double the
time that we wasted not trying to make it right. I am torn apart by the thought of it ending…I
am scared that I will screw it up somehow.
I am scared that karma is going to pay me back for being a bitch. I’m scared that all of those unforeseen things
that happen by chance will all of a sudden happen. Mortality.
Front and center. It seems to be
staring me in the face and making rude gestures. Threatening gestures. My heart wants only to revel in the newly
found opportunity of love but my mind is all about reciprocity…that I do not
deserve what I now have because of what I did to it for so long.
I have never before known to my core that somebody wants and
loves me so completely (I’m not saying it wasn’t there just that I didn’t “know”
it; didn’t believe it; didn’t trust).
Not being an overly trusting person, this is a completely new experience
for me. I’m loving it. I feel like I’m home. I finally feel like I belong. But, I also feel that it is too good to be
true.
I know that we are never promised tomorrow…so many tomorrows
came during the bad times; would life be so callous as to deny me balance with
good? I am trying to fight the thought
that it won’t happen. And it is tearing
me apart. For the first time EVER I want
to be here for my husband, my daughter, my family, and the family that has
accepted me into their own. I don’t want
this to end. 21 years of living in fear
is hard to turn from. My mind is letting
go of one form just to try and embrace another.
I DON’T WANT IT. I want security
and peace. I want to not be overly sensitive. I want to not cry at the drop of a dime. I want to be able to love so completely that
there is no room for fear. Yes, that is
what I want…to love so completely that there is no room for fear. In the words of the Foo Fighters, “I’m
learning to walk again”. Each step is
new.
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