I Cried in Walmart today

I have been silent for quite a while.  I haven't wanted to write about anything because there has been nothing that I would consider "good" that wouldn't sound like I was complaining.

The past couple years have been very rough.  Without touching on all of the things that contributed to the mass-sucktatude that has been my life of late, I will say that just about anything I once had I no longer possess.  I almost lost my husband and my daughter (and I do mean to death...not just family breaking apart)...we lost our house, we (my husband and I both) lost our jobs, I lost my cat (who had been my emotional support for 13 years), I lost my doctor to a home invasion, I lost my best friend for an extended period of time...I lost everything that gave my life any type of stability.

...and I couldn't call my mom to talk about it.  Happy Birthday, by the way, Mom.

My little family doesn't have a lot of traditions that we uphold but one thing that I did do on a semi-regular basis was put up my little Christmas village for the holidays.  Seeing the little houses and decorations for a village in the stores is bittersweet.  When we left Texas to come live with my dad, we had to sell most of our belongings.  I kept some of my crafting things like sewing machines and looms...but everything else (aside from clothes and instruments) we sold.  Included within the items sold was my Christmas village.  I had several awesome pieces...one of a kind type things that my mom had found and had gifted to me over the past 20+ years since I'd been married.  Nearly all of my village were items she had given me with the exception of my very first pieces.  Those were given to me by another family member.

If you don't know me or know me well, I am very attached to things that people gift me.  I see it as a great honor to be thought of enough by someone else to receive a gift from them.  I love my mother very much.  She passed away from liver cancer on November 18, 2013.  So, there hasn't been a whole lot of time that has passed since her "transition".  Definitely not enough time for me to come to grips with the loss of her and the loss of some many of the gifts she had given me...namely my Christmas village.

Tonight I cried in Walmart when my husband suggested we could slowly start building up my village again.  As wonderful of a sentiment as that would seem to be; the thing that made my village so special to me was the fact that my mom found so many pieces to grow my little community.  I had an animated ice skating rink, a green house, a camping site, many little shops and houses, a couple churches (one that was stained glass), lots of little lights and so many other little things.  Yes, I could start a new village; but, it wouldn't be the same.  It wouldn't have my mom living in it...there would be no part of here there save a memory of what once was.  So, I freaking cried in Walmart.  I cried because so much of her is missing from my life now and I won't ever get it back.  I cried because any new consideration won't have her touch on it.  I cried because I no longer have a majority of the items she gave me.  I cried because it is her birthday...and in another 19 days it will be the 6th anniversary of her death.  This time of year always sucks...but it sucks even more because I lost the sentimental ties I once had with her because we had to sell everything or leave it behind to ensure we had a roof over our heads.

If you still have a mother, cherish her.  I still talk to mine and I believe she is here with me; but, it's days like this where she seems the farthest from me and the pain is fresh and raw.  One of the few family traditions we had was made possible by her...and I lost it all because life literally sucks sometimes.  So, I cried in Walmart today.

Peace, fear, and balance

Just recently, mortality has come to the forefront of my mind.  In a different way than normally, mind you.  It has always been there because of my mom’s illnesses and then my own.  But, recently, things that have been sensitive issues in the past seem far exacerbated and fresh.  For example, my mother’s passing in 2013…granted, grief has many different stages; but, it seems I’ve back stepped in my progress.  It is back to being almost completely fresh and new and hurts like it did in the first year of coping.  The only thing I can think that would be the cause of this is that my marriage completely shattered and the pieces fell into a completely new and beautiful creature of grace, love, and forgiveness.  All the years I’ve spent being secretly scared and seemingly indifferent are now a thing of the past; but, they try to hold me captive with regret and self-loathing for allowing myself to be what I was instead of what I should have been.  For the very first time I truly feel life in my marriage and know that the man that is by my side loves me inside and out beyond comprehension.  I feel the security that I always wanted and hate that 21 years were wasted wanting something that I wasn’t fully capable of receiving though I wanted it desperately.

The fear of failure and rejection is slowly ebbing; but, with that change in the tide, a new fear is trying to creep into the picture.  The fear of losing the man I love, just when we are finally learning how to fully love each other…that fear keeps lurking in the darkness.  Every time we are apart my mind wonders if our goodbye will be the last.  Did we screw up too completely to deserve this chance at happiness?  Is this period in life going to be short lived?  I hope not…with everything in me I want it to last at least a minimum of double the time that we wasted not trying to make it right.  I am torn apart by the thought of it ending…I am scared that I will screw it up somehow.  I am scared that karma is going to pay me back for being a bitch.  I’m scared that all of those unforeseen things that happen by chance will all of a sudden happen.  Mortality.  Front and center.  It seems to be staring me in the face and making rude gestures.  Threatening gestures.  My heart wants only to revel in the newly found opportunity of love but my mind is all about reciprocity…that I do not deserve what I now have because of what I did to it for so long. 

I have never before known to my core that somebody wants and loves me so completely (I’m not saying it wasn’t there just that I didn’t “know” it; didn’t believe it; didn’t trust).  Not being an overly trusting person, this is a completely new experience for me.  I’m loving it.  I feel like I’m home.  I finally feel like I belong.  But, I also feel that it is too good to be true.

I know that we are never promised tomorrow…so many tomorrows came during the bad times; would life be so callous as to deny me balance with good?  I am trying to fight the thought that it won’t happen.  And it is tearing me apart.  For the first time EVER I want to be here for my husband, my daughter, my family, and the family that has accepted me into their own.  I don’t want this to end.  21 years of living in fear is hard to turn from.  My mind is letting go of one form just to try and embrace another.  I DON’T WANT IT.  I want security and peace.  I want to not be overly sensitive.  I want to not cry at the drop of a dime.  I want to be able to love so completely that there is no room for fear.  Yes, that is what I want…to love so completely that there is no room for fear.  In the words of the Foo Fighters, “I’m learning to walk again”.  Each step is new.

My normal is abnormal

Well, I saw the doctor and went over my results (this was a while back...I'm late posting).  Though things looked possibly grim, it turns out (according to my hematologist) that, for me, abnormal is my normal.  My blood levels did not vary or sway too much over the past several years nor are they doing so now.  That means that there is no evidence of my bone marrow producing too many red blood cells as to pose a large threat to my health or to indicate polycythemia vera. 

I take this as welcomed news.  The fact that I get to proclaim even more that I am abnormal is a tremendous bonus! :)  Knowing that I do not have to get therapeutic phlebotomies is a good thing too...though, I sometimes wish I could still donate blood just to keep the number lower and to help those who are in need of O+ blood.

Shhhhh....I got some results; but, still really can't talk about it

Well, I received the results of my most recent blood work.  There has been no improvement and I am now being sent back to the hematologist.  I will see my previous hemat-dr this Thursday.  I am looking forward to getting things diagnosed and treated.  Hopefully it will help some of the issues I've been having for a while.

The portion of this post that is hush hush is this...in my research to find out all I can about the condition I have I stumbled upon a bit of information.  The polycythemia condition is categorized with blood cancers.  Well, this isn't sitting very well with me right now.  And the fact that I really can't share this is hard too.  I mean, this sucks.  If the full diagnosis is made that I do indeed truly have this condition then I'm going to have to tell my father (who just lost his wife {my mother} to liver cancer) that I have a blood cancer.  I'll have to tell my daughter...I'll have to tell my husband...I'll have to tell all my family and friends...  Which, I guess, will be a good thing because at that point I can talk about it.  The worst part of all of this is knowing that this is a high probability and not being able to seek comfort for it from anybody.  I mean, I don't want to accused of being a hypochondriac or anything (which has already happened).

So, in short, I'm trying not to fret until I see the doctor on Thursday.  I'm at least trying to hold my composure in the presence of others.  Until I can give a further update, please keep me in prayer...I need it in more ways than just for my health.

Talking about something you can't talk about

So, what do you do when you have something that is on your mind but you don't have someone to talk to about it?  You post your thoughts on a blog that nobody reads.

Just a little background...all my life my mom has had liver problems.  I know she didn't expect to live as long as she did.  November 18, 2013 was when we said goodbye to her...when liver cancer took her.  In addition to the numerous liver problems she also had an undiagnosed blood clotting issue.  None of the doctors were ever able to tell her what she actually had other than it was a hyper clotting disease.  This in and of itself wasn't the cause of the cancer but it does raise some concern with my health.

Several years ago I had some blood work come back and show that my red blood cell count was too high.  I didn't think too much of it because my stupid quack of a doctor at the time told me that it was elevated because I had had a hysterectomy and no longer had a period; so, I wasn't disposing of excess blood.  In addition, when I had my surgery for the hysterectomy I had complications.  I had to receive a blood transfusion.  Well, I'm O+ and I received O- blood.  This usually wouldn't be an issue except that I developed - antibodies.  This still isn't really a problem though it is probably why the issue in my blood was detected.  Prior to the complications of the hysterectomy, I regularly donated blood.  Not regular donations but double red blood cell donations.  Had I not developed the antibodies I would still be able to donate my double donation.  The fact that it takes over 24 hours to clean the blood of the antibodies puts me on the no-donation list...forever.  Well, unless they develop a new machine to wash the blood.

What does no longer donating mean for me?  It means that the very reason I could donate double red blood cells could really be an issue for my health.  Polycythemia is the clinical term for too many red blood cells.  Several doctors in my past (even after the stupid quack doctor) did nothing about the test results.  One did send me to a hematologist to have further testing done.  It wasn't ruled to be caused by anything environmental and the tests did not show any abnormalities in the Jak2 gene that can cause this issue.  As I recall, the next step was probably going to be a bone marrow biopsy. 

For whatever reasons I had back then, I did not pursue anything further.  Jump forward almost 5 years to my current awesome doctor who is concerned about the blood results.  From the test results he determined that he wanted to try me first on low dose aspirin to see if that would make any difference.  I go in two weeks to have more labs drawn to see if it has made any difference.  This has me a bit concerned.  On the one hand, I want to know if there is something wrong.  On the other hand, if there is something wrong it is something that can lead to leukemia. 

If it turns out that I do still have an issue then they have to find out what is causing it.  I don't want a bone marrow biopsy...I imagine they hurt quite a bit.  The standard treatment is therapeutic phlebotomy (which I'll have to pay for since I can no longer donate).  My mind sorta runs with this thought in that I could just do some blood letting and in my weakened condition possibly have an encounter with God...you know, like a Druid ritual but without Druidism and with being a firm believer in God.  Like a fast but of blood...not ingesting but expelling.  I know, I'm wacked.  That would be far too dangerous; and, with a history of suicidal tendencies, probably not a very wise idea.

Whatever the issue, the odds are not in my favor for it having resolved itself over the past few months when it has been getting worse since 2006 (I pulled some old blood work and compared numbers).  Faced with this fact one starts to really consider their mortality.  I have a 17 year old daughter and a wonderful husband to think about...and a newly widowed father.  I am not worried that God doesn't have a plan...I'm concerned for my ability to follow it.  My faith is very strong and I believe that with God all things are possible.  I also know that my mother's faith far exceeded my own and she still had to live through hell. 

All I can say with absolute surety is that I am a bit apprehensive about the future.  I want to be here for my daughter...for her future...her future family.  I want to be here for my husband.  He almost lost me once and I don't want anything like that to happen again.  I know if I talk to him about it he'll just tell me to not think about it.  That I haven't got any reason to worry.  That everything will be fine. 

...and that is exactly why I can't talk about it.  I don't want comfort or people to tell me everything will be alright.  I don't want to hear people tell me that if I worry then I don't have faith.  I don't want to hear people say that they will pray for me.  My faith tells me that I can face anything.  My mind tells me that there is a very plausible possibility that there is a serious issue because my mom had a blood issue and I do as well.  My heart tells me that life is too short to waste a moment.  I can feel a sense of urgency in not only getting things figured out but also in trying to be the best person that I can be in order to do the most good for those in my life. 

At the heart of everything, I'm just a scared little girl who wants her mamma.  I miss my mother more than I thought possible and I am scared that I may leave this earth in the same fashion that she did...only a lot sooner.  But, if that is God's will then I can accept it.  I am just not certain how I'll get through it.

So, thank goodness I don't have any followers on this blog; I would really hate to know that I bogged someone down with this just because I am struggling tonight with it.

Planning for the Future

Well, my child will be turning 16 in just under 4 months.  Kera, though, told me that she did not want a party nor did she want gifts...but, she knew that her family and friends would want to be a part of her special day and so she came up with the idea of sponsorship for a very special present.  Instead of the party and gifts she wants any and all monies that would have gone to the afore mentioned purpose to be put towards a new viola.  Yes, she currently has a viola; but, it is two sizes too small...and it is a beginners instrument.  Kera is playing in the Honors Orchestra in her highschool and needs a good quality instrument...one that is the proper size as well.

In the coming months I will be conducting a fund raising campaign to help assist all family and friends so that they can contribute to the one thing that Kera wants for her birthday. 

Please help spread the word!  The campaign link is below:

http://igg.me/p/253236?a=1614136

My cat's food is looking at me

I have been on a search to get a really good food into my kitties.  I recently began feeding then The Honest Kitchen (which my dogs love) and thought that all was well.  They started getting more energy, their hair was softer and they were getting to healthier weights.  They didn't like it too much and it took quite a while for them to eat it...I mean, they got to where they were starving before they would consume it.  Well, two did...one did not.  We didn't realize that Mali got herself into a little fit and refused to eat.  She started to feel really frail and for a nearly 20 pound cat that is quite scary.  Almost two weeks ago we had to get her to the emergency vet because she was going into liver failure...we could only tell this by the insides of her ears turning yellow (she's a black tortie and yellow is not easily visible).  Needless to say, it was a long night...there has been medication involved, some force feedings and a search for new food because in order to keep her out of danger we had to get a food she would eat.

I made her a homemade food in the beginning just to get her to eat...it consisted of 1 bottle of a children's electrolyte drink (unflavored) with 1000 mg of taurine added and 1 small jar of Beechnut Beef Baby food (this is the only brand that only has beef and broth as ingredients...the others all add at least corn starch which no cat needs).  She liked the baby food straight and since she would eat it I just added a bit of the electrolyte mixture so she would get the much needed taurine in her system. I tried to entice her with some Taste of the Wild wet cat food and she went right for it...so did the other two.  We had to try and feed Mali apart from the other two; but, they can get into every place we tried.  So, we gave up and decided to just get them all the food and give the rest of their Honest Kitchen food to the dogs.

Yesterday morning I went to buy more canned food for the fluff balls and ended up going to a few different places that I knew carried the food I wanted just so that I could compare prices.  Well, that and one of the stores is the only place that sells the chew sticks that my cat Maja loves.  Their cans were more expensive than one other close place I was going to check so I left with only the chew sticks (which, by the way, claim to be long lasting but they are not.  Perhaps they are for a normal cat; but, Maja can get through one in under a minute and they are almost 4 inches long).  On to Polly's Pet Store...

So, I'm at Polly's now and have obtained too many cans of rather expensive kitty food.  But, I figure that this will be much less expensive than further vet bills and a lot less traumatic than the loss of a furry family member.  As I round the corner I see a display of other kitty food.  It is called Tiki Cat and upon looking at the ingredients it is even more of what I am looking for.  It is mostly all sea food with the exception of a couple that have chicken.  And it is all wild caught and has no grains or over abundance of veggies and has all of the essential nutrients that my cats need...and the pictures of the food make me want to eat it.  It looks like real food...real rings of Calamari, real shrimp and flaky bits of fish.  Excited, I put back all the other cans of food (I did keep the small bag of crunchy kibble from Taste of the Wild to satisfy their crunch craze) and replaced them with two sample packs of the Tiki Cat for a total of 24 cans.

Getting home, I am greeted by three very hungry kitties.  I open one small can and divide it three ways because I am a little weary that they won't like it...they have never really cared for any sea food cat foods or even any human foods for that matter.  When I opened the can I was greeted with a pleasant aroma and food that looked like it should be going into a chicken or tuna salad.  It looked yummy and my husband and child even thought so.  The kitties at least loved the flavor; I don't know what they thought of the appearance.  I was concerned that they wouldn't eat it all because they usually just lick the gravy off of food and this food has no gravy.  They tore it up!

So, knowing that I had struck a winner with Tiki Cat I decided to open another additional can per kitty so that they could totally fill up on the wonderful goodness.  The next cans I opened were sardines.  My husband jokingly said that he fully expected to see something like a fish head stew in the can.  Well, he wasn't far off.  As I opened the can, there they were.  Five little fish heads with eyeballs still in the sockets looking up at me.  Wow!  It really is minimally processed!  How awesome?!  Now, I am not saying I want my food looking at me or that this one looked like something I would eat; but, this is much closer to what a cat in the wild would be eating.  But, would the kitties think the same?  Of course they did.  From giving them the Tiki Cat you would never know that I had finicky eaters and you surely would never know that just over a week ago one refused to eat and had almost committed kittycide by not eating and causing her liver to shutdown.

I now have perfectly sated kitties who clean their bowls and I have peace in knowing that my fuzz balls are getting healthy food that will ensure they stick around for quite a while longer.  I haven't gotten through all of the other flavors yet so I don't know how many more will look at me; but, I am certain that they will all be liked.

FYI---Mali is the kittie to the left in my header picture.  That was when she was just a kitten 8 years ago.  Now, she looks almost like Sweetie (seen in previous posts from 2007 when she passed of liver failure).  We love our kitties and couldn't bear to lose another one to liver failure, especially now that my mom is conquering liver cancer.  If Mali took good pictures I would post a current one of her.  She is awesome and we are all so glad that she is feeling better!

I have to say, that I also totally love the black cat that is on the Tiki Cat label...I'm sorta partial to black cats.

Saturday Baking

Today I decided to try a recipe from GNOWFGLINS.com for Almond Meal Bread.  It does not make a whole lot...just an 8x8 pan; but, it sure does look good (smells good too).  I am also trying to alter my moms recipe for Chocolate No-bake Cookies to make them refined-sugar free (not sugar free; just refined sugar free).

  Here is a picture of the Almond Meal Bread fresh out of the oven.  I haven't tasted it yet; but, I have read that it resembles corn bread in taste and texture.  I'll let you know more about that when I sample it.

Here is a picture of the modified Chocolate No-Bake Cookies.  They taste pretty good; but, I have had another variation (with refined sugar) that had some things I liked that I will have to try next time around.

My mom's original recipe is as follows:

1/2 C     milk
2 C        sugar
1/2 stick    butter
2/3 C    chunky peanut putter

Mix together in large sauce pan and boil for 1 minute.  Remove from heat and add:

1 tsp     Vanilla
3 C    Oatmeal (Mom called for quick cook oats; but, I have used regular with great success)
5 Tbsp    cocoa

Stir all ingredients and drop by spoon fulls on wax paper to cool -- no need to refrigerate.


A variation I like had the following ingredient differences (all ingredients are the same save for the following):  1 stick of butter, 1 C of peanut butter, 1 Tbsp Vanilla, 4 Tbsp Cocoa and about 1-2 cups more of oats (I had to add a bit to keep it from being like soup).


My Refined Sugar Free Variation uses my Mom's original recipe but changes up the sugars...there is still 2 cups of sugar but it is broken up as 1 cup of Agave nectar and 1 cup Coconut Sugar.  After removed from the heat I also added 20 drops of Vanilla Liquid Stevia.

These are good; but, I liked the taste of the greater abundance of peanut butter and more vanilla in the variation listed above.  When I finish this batch I will use those variations along with the different sugars to see how that results.


If you have any suggestions please let me know!

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Down Sizing Update

Okay, I've been fairly good this week. I did make it to the gym about 4 times and started a weight routine in addition to my swimming. I am a bit sore. According to the scale at the gym today I was 176...but, this isn't the usual gym scale I use (I will see that one tomorrow so I will find out if I really did do good this week).

My niece graduated high school last weekend and her party was yesterday. I did good all but the 1 1/2 Cokes that I had. I know...there was water; but, I just couldn't say no. I don't recall any bread so that at least is a good thing.

Last night I also made some sugar free ice cream. It was sweetened with a bit of honey and liquid Stevia. It turned out quite good. I only ate about 1/4 of a cup. I did make it full fat because I had some cream I had to use up and I only use full fat raw milk (I do get the cream when I want to make butter; but, I've been a little tired lately). I do not feel bad about the fat content because it is from a good source, is loaded with B vitamins since it is from grass fed Jersey cows and carries needed vitamins in our bodies...most people don't realize that a lot of vitamins are fat soluble.

I have been good with my kefir this week; both water and milk. My water grains are not looking quite as well as they should. So, there is a little bit of doctoring going on for them. This leads me to believe that our city has added something else into our drinking water. I'm not happy about that.

I have been good with my sourdough as well. I made some fermented bread and it is taking a little to get used to; but, it is very filling...and dense. Tonight I made a sourdough pizza dough and though it wasn't fully fermented it did have a good little kick to it. Went very well with the breakfast pizza. It wasn't fully gluten free but, it did have a bit less white flour than would normally be used as I had a little bit of my white flour substitute mixture on hand (it can only replace about 1/4 of the flour and still get good "bread" results [I'll have to find my recipe and mix up some more]).

I am a bit tired and have to finish up some laundry. I will let you know at a later time if today's scale is in line with my normal gym scale. I hope so. After two months of only gaining and losing 5 pounds on a consistent basis I am ready for some improvement.

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Down Sizing

Okay, for a while I have been a bit above what the ideal weight is for my height...just a bit because 40 lbs really isn't a lot...is it??????? I know it is, especially since I have had some issues with my foot and now have a new foot that really shouldn't have to put up with that type of excess. So, I am going to commit to a change in diet that I have only used as a cleanse in the past.

A lot of my weight is due to the fact that my thyroid is functioning lower than it should.

(Just a bit of history, it wasn't always like this...I used to be SUPER skinny and unable to gain weight because my thyroid levels were too high. Then I got zapped with radioactive Iodine and they killed most of my gland. I was left with a little bit of functionality; but, I've had to be on medication ever since and getting the meds right is a whole other story. That was in late 1997 or early 1998--I can't remember for sure. All I remember was, Cool I'm radioactive...and NOT cool because my husband has chicken pox and can't hold or feed the baby. Trying to feed a 10 month old at arms length isn't the easiest thing to do.)

Okay, so the main thing that is causing the weight gain is my under active thyroid and probably my decreased mobility due to my foot issues. But, the thing that is next in line is...(sound effects...dom dom dom!!!) Candida. Candida is an ugly little bacterial yeast that can get into your system through your blood and travel all over the place in your body. It has many symptoms that are typically overlooked by doctors and misdiagnosed. Some of them are: digestive inconsistencies (you know, going back and forth from one extreme to another...it is usually diagnosed as IBS or Irritable Bowel Syndrome), brain fog (not being able to concentrate or think clearly), dry skin, visual changes, ear infections and/or ear pain, bloating of the gastric tract...and many other things. I believe that it even effects my thyroid; but, that is yet to be proven though we'll see after I get all of this crap out of my system.

So, the main change in diet for getting Candida out and keeping it out is that you have to eliminate Sugar. Tell this baker that it isn't so!!!! I love my sugar and I love baking and cooking. So, I am going to have to totally change the way I eat. This includes even the sugar in fruit. I am not going to do a hard core Candida cleanse diet at this time because I can't stand most veggies and totally thrive on beef. I can see a cow in the field and start to salivate. Just so you know, I know my body and it does function much better on a diet of lean red meat I have lost weight in the past from being on a nearly completely red meat diet (nearly 30 pounds).

In short, I am documenting this to hold myself accountable for sticking to this. I am not prescribing these methods to anybody else just keeping tabs on what I am doing, have done...what worked and what didn't.

I am also exercising quite a bit. I swim at least 4 times a week and am doing water weights until my stick of a leg regains all of its muscle and range of motion (I had reconstructive surgery in August of 2010). So, I have been doing the swimming for 2 months now without so much of a pound of lost weight. A little discouraging; but, at least the cottage cheese look on my legs is starting to diminish. I have taken measurements so that I can track the non weight loss improvements which are as follows: Weight 180 lbs, Thigh--24", Upper Arm--14 3/4", Chest--42", Bust--43 1/2", Waist 40 1/4", and Hips 43 1/2".

Just know, I know I am not obese...but, you have to realize that my whole life I always been skinny...stick skinny. I was made fun of as a child and called Bird Legs and Skinny Minny along with other "fun" names. I by no means want to be back to the skinny state; but, I do want to be at a healthy weight and size and for that 40 pounds needs to come off.

The FIRST things I am doing in my diet are incorporating more kefirs and cutting the sugar. I culture my own milk and water kefir from respective grains that propagate like rabbits when fed properly. This renders a pro biotic that is far better than any yogurt ever hoped to be. Having the grains also means less expense as I do not have to buy dried cultures. And all of my family benefits...even the dogs as they get the fermented fruit from the cultures and that totally helps their tummies as well. I have started my sourdough starter and am actually making one without any sugar at all...it is built on brown rice flour, water and water kefir. I love bread and have to get my fiber from more than just the 3 veggies I like. The bread will be a fermented loaf which will make it a lot more digestible as the good-yeast in it will have already pre-digested everything. I know, it sounds sick; but, it makes for much healthier eats! I will also not be using any wheat in this bread. (I am probably going to have to invest in a couple of cookbooks...one in particular is one by Abby Eagle "Learn to Cook the Way Grandma Did..." which is all cultured food...cultured mainly by kefir http://rejoiceinlife.com/...and "The Art of Gluten Free Sourdough Baking" by Sharon Kane http://glutenfreesourdough.blogspot.com/. I do not have a wheat allergy anymore thanks to N.A.E.T. http://naet.com/ (again, another story); but, I do not want any of that over refined grain in my system...at least not right now...might add whole wheat back at a later time. FYI, both the

So, after my friend from Bible college stops by today to have some of the beautiful marble cheesecake I made for her birthday I will start to commit to the elimination of yeast in my system. I will try to keep the two who read this updated on a regular basis :) Should you have any questions please do not hesitate to contact me!

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Bring me my farm...or my garden...well, at least set up my indoor greenhouse

Well, I seem to be in all natural form today. No, I am not referring to my appearance; but, rather making all natural foods and stuff today. I began my morning by checking the progress of my granola in the dehydrator (it is all natural with an assortment of soaked nuts, almond meal flour, organic applesauce, spices, coconut, oats, liquid vanilla cream stevia and coconut sugar. It smells awesome. Since most of it was dry, I turned it over (off of it's little holding mat) and set to trying to dehydrate some raw-milk Kefir along with it...on a separate tray. I then started a new batch of milk Kefir (I only use raw milk in my house {just FYI}) and have revived my water Kefir grains. Gotta get another drink going on to help get me off of sodas. I'm not too much on the sugar/sweet of sodas, I just really love the bubbly. Gotta make sure I get all of the Candida cleared out of my system once and for all; so, I am really trying to be good.

In addition to the kefir and granola I am also soaking some unsweetened coconut (I would prefer raw and fresh; but, I would eat all of it if I had a fresh one...besides, I haven't had good luck with getting a good coconut here lately...beyond that, the dried is just so much easier) that I am going to use to make homemade coconut milk so that I can experiment with making coconut yogurt (with my kefir as the culture--so it will NOT be dairy free).

I have also gathered some redbud seeds (mainly for my hubby because he loves the way they flour; I have to say that I do too). I have tried to germinate them in the past with no success. This time I'm going to try to do it close to the same way you sprout grains with the exception that I poured boiling water over them...and that they will sit in this water for 7 days without refreshing or pouring off any...and then they will get a bit of cool/cold treatment. So, I guess the only way this process is close to sprouting grains is that they will sit in water for a period. Most seeds I sprout by putting them between sheets of moist paper towels and letting them sit in a zip top bag with small holes popped in it.

So, it would seem that I really need to get my little indoor greenhouse set up and placed so that I can begin work on seeding other seeds I've gathered. I was just telling my Love that it's that time of the year when I need to start keeping a little bag with me at all times so that I can gather seeds from trees/bushes that I like. I have quite a little store of seeds going on as it is; but, not all of them have been successful. I do have 2 Japanese Orchid Trees that seem to have survived our weird winter. I haven't read up much on these trees; but, I have noticed by observation that if the leaves die new ones will not sprout in that place...they only come out on new limbs...but, typically they do not drop their leaves if the temp. is right. I have a bundle of 2nd year lilies going in a pot out front (had to remove only one bulb that rotted over the winter) and a batch of sproutlings that I put out of house yesterday to get fresh air and direct sunlight (they've been in their own little greenhouse since sprouting before Christmas). I have a ton of seeds from my parent plants (amaryllis) and some seeds from a newcomer I obtained last year. I am going to try again to see if I can get any of the newcomer seeds to sprout as previous attempts ended in fluffy mold (apparently they don't sprout the same as my amaryllis...which would tend to make sense as the seeds are so vastly different). It shouldn't be long before my parent plants start to bloom...I have already gotten many new leaves shooting up. That means that it will not be long until my daughter rolls her eyes at me for force pollination (she screams at me to stop having sex with the flowers in the front yard). I could avoid all of that if........if, I was able to acquire some Blue Orchard bees. They can be rather expensive to start up; but, I would so totally love to give it a go! I'm sure all my flowers and bushes would love it too!

With that said, I need to eat some breakfast, that my Love has so lovingly prepared, and get to work thinning out my lilies and planting some new posies.

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Faith

For those who know me you know that I fully believe in the healing power of Jesus Christ through the blood that was shed on Calvary. I have experienced this healing power on many occasions. I do also believe that God uses people to bring about His healing as well. Every blessing comes from the hand of God; but, I would be willing to bet that none of you have seen the physical hand of the Almighty God hand it to you Himself…He uses people. Not every healing is miraculous nor is everyone of them instantaneous. I know this and accept it and truly believe it with my whole heart. What I have issue with is people who think that because I am having surgery that I lack faith that God can heal me. Now, this is not from anyone within the past 14 years; but, it was something said to me prior to my first ankle surgery when I requested prayer from a church leader that I had looked up to for guidance and teaching for several years. I knew in my heart that I had faith that God could heal me and I even shared afterwards that it was a miracle because the surgery only cost me $8…my insurance covered every single other thing regarding it.

Well, with a second surgery on the horizon and a previous two miraculous healings to the same foot I began thinking about those insensitive words that were spoken to me prior to my last foot surgery. I have been earnestly asking God to provide a way of explanation to anybody who may feel that going through surgery to fix my foot goes against the word of God that they are incorrect—but in the most simple of ways.

He did just that for me this morning. A friend of mine posted a quote from a well respected man of God and within it was the scripture of Isaiah 53:5 touching on the stripes that Jesus received for our healing. Now granted, the quote was pointing more to the fact that God has already paid for our healing and it is promised to us because of those stripes; but, God gave me a little something more. Imagine if you will the afore mentioned scripture. Those bruises and stripes did not just miraculously appear on Jesus’ body…they were put there by man. God brought about our healing because of something man did to His Son. Why is it so farfetched for people to realize that healing can also be brought about by the hands of man?

In my mind it actually takes more faith to put myself in a situation where I have to rely and trust undoubtingly that God will use and guide the hand of an imperfect man to bring about healing in my body. I don’t know about you; but, I do not have a close intimate relationship with any of my doctors beyond seeing them in their office on the rare occasions I have need of their services. My trust is never in a man but God. I am a realist and know that even on my best “Godly” day that I fall short of being all that He has called me to be. This should truly scare me because I do not know the condition of my surgeon’s heart but I have perfect peace in knowing that my God will take care of me. And up until the scheduled day of my surgery, My God is fully able to perform a supernatural healing and restoration of my foot…and I would willingly and gladly accept it. Until then, I will allow Him to bring about His healing in my body through a man who is a master in this field and I will trust that He will not let any evil befall me. So, tell me, how is that not faith?

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The ABC's of Christianity

The other day I heard on a Christian radio station that a lady was so excited because her 8 year old child approached her and asked what she needed to do in order to be saved. This is totally awesome news...where the story gets me kinda in a not so awesome mood is that the mother had to call her friend to find out how to lead her child to Christ. I am glad that her friend knew; but, as a Christian parent she should have known what to do herself (well, at least that's what I think otherwise I have to actually question the salvation of the parent). As a Christian period one should know how to lead someone to the Lord.

I shared this little story with my daughter without imputing my opinion of the mother's lack of knowledge and she totally went down the same road of thought. What she proceeded to tell me was completely cool. She said that the mother needs to learn her ABC's! I asked for further explanation and this is what I got, "A=admit you're a sinner; B=believe that Jesus died for your sins and rose from the grave; and C=confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and ask Him to be your Savior."

So, for any of you out there who lacks the knowledge to lead someone to the Lord you should probably learn your ABC's too. Kids have a way of making things so much more simple than adults tend to.

What have we learned today??? Admit, Believe and Confess! There you have your ABC's of becoming a Christian.

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Oopsie!

Well, the yogurt is out of the machine. But, I kinda wasn't home when it was done; so, it separated. I have some really strong curds and whey. I probably should have reduced the culturing time since I used so much more kefir. Well, next time we won't be caught up dying someone's hair purple (and trying to remove purple dye from someone else's hands because of faulty gloves). Today is going to be busy with church and the completion of someone's purple transition; so, I do not see any more trials being made today. But, tomorrow is a holliday off from work and that would be a perfect time to try something new!

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New Yogurt Machine!!

Well, I have to say that I am a bit excited about my new yogurt machine. Don't let the name fool you...it does not make it for you. It is more of an incubator for your recipe. I made my first batch Thursday night and tried it for the finished product yesterday afternoon. It was not as thick as I would like; but, it has an awesome flavor! I am sorta experimenting with making traditional yogurt but with live active homebrewed kefir. I have found no recipes online for this other than just culturing the kefir until it is thick enough to be call yogurt. Well, I want a little more flavor than that; so, this was my first attempt...the major part of this recipe was provided by The Spunky Coconut so it is milk free with the exception of my added culture. The recipe goes as follows:

2 Cups Coconut Milk

2 Cups Almond Milk (home made)

1 TBS Vanilla

2 TBS Agave Nectar (orig recipe called for Honey; but, I'm trying to help my husband's blood sugar by using the Agave...one might want to try Brown Rice Syrup as well...but the intent is to avoid refined sugar here)

2 TBS Kefir whey

1 TBS Kefir solids

Okay, boil the coconut and almond milk until it reaches about 120 degrees. Add the vanilla and Agave nectar. Allow to cool to about 92 degrees and add Kefir whey and solids. Whisk until well incorporated. Pour into sterilized canning jars without their lids and place in the yogurt machine for 11 hours.

This is what it all looks like once inside the machine.

Once the time has elapsed then remove the jars from the machine and place lids on them. Chill in the refrigerator for about 7 hours.

After 7 hours this is what I had. It didn't stay solid enough to be called yogurt; but, it sure tasted great! It was more like a yogurt drink.

Well, I'm on my second batch. I decided not to go the milk free route. I only use raw milk; so, I decided to try again using it and a bit more kefir. I still made the almond milk but took out the coconut milk (so that if my sister wants to try it she can since she's allergic to coconut). So in place of the coconut milk I used 1 Cup whole Kefir and 1 1/2 Cups raw milk. I only simmered the almond milk not the raw milk or kefir...I want to keep all the goodness in my milk (I trust it's source and all the bacteria in the kefir will take care of any baddies).

So, it is all made and in the machine. I'll touch base with you tomorrow and let you know how this batch is:).

Don't bite that...you'll burn down the house!

Have you ever had to use all of these words in one sentance, "Don't bite that, you'll burn down the house?" Those were never words I had used together until just a couple minutes ago. And it's not going to be as entertaining as you might imagine. The words were spoken to my Maja kitty as he was chewing on the barrel of the childproof BBQ lighter. This kitty is such a goof! Being that he is of the breed Bombay, he loves to chew on metal. He has pulled out earrings while I'm sleeping and he loves watches and all jewelry in general. He will even lay in the sink so that he can chew on the faucet. He loves metal. So, it should be no surprise to me that he honed in on the long metal extension on the lighter to get a little nibble on! At any rate, I had to take the lighter away from my cat. I can't let him go around starting new badder habbits!

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I totally rock!

When playing Rock Band with the family I usually play drums. That is except when I sing the "girl" songs that my husband does not want to do. That creates some tense moments becasue nobody else wants to play the drums. Kera usually ends up doing it but gripes about it all the way. Tonight, though, Reuben was asleep and Kera wanted to play. But, she wanted us both to do the guitar (which we found out we can do without getting another guitar for the game because the guitar for Guitar Hero works on Rock Band). So, we both played guitar. She did lead and I did bass. I think I did pretty good for my first time. I did start out on easy; but, quickly found out that I'm too good for that. Medium was still a challenge; but, I tried hard anyway. And I did pretty darn good! My wrists hurt, though, now. I will not be able to type much longer because after a couple hours of that game, anybody's wrists/fingers would be hurting.

Besides that, I have a Maja kitty laying on my lap making it hard to type.

So, all of you, go on in your lives now knowing that I totally rock...whether it be on drums, singing or even now on the bass! I so totally kick butt! I'm so awesome I scare myself! I'm the greatest! Haha! I rule!

Yeah, whatever...I can no nonger say that I've never played the guitar on Rock Band. If you don't have this game you have so totally got to get it! It is loads of fun and a great way to get your family together!

And did I mention that I totally rock?!

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What offends you?

A couple times this week as well as previous weeks in the not so distant past there have been "street preachers" in the area of the bus stop that I use to get home after work. The first time I heard one of these preachers I didn't really care for listening to him. After I got on my bus I had to ask myself, "Why?" Was it because of his message? Was it because of what he looked like? Was it because of where he was? What? What? What? I determined that I didn't like the particular way he was speaking the Word of God. I had to really evaluate myself to make sure it wasn't what he was actually saying that was rubbing me the wrong way. It was from this point on that I decided that I would have to be more supportive of those spreading the Gospel in this way. I'm sure not called to do it (and I don't believe that many who do it are called to it either); but, that doesn't mean that the person doing the preaching can't use my prayer and support.

So, this week when another preacher showed up on the scene I decided that I would not ignore him or pretend that I didn't hear his words. You know, being a Christian, there is no reason that I should ever be offended by the Word of God unless it is being used improperly...but then that would be offence directed at the abuser and not God's Word anyway.

This particular preacher that showed up this week was really good! I mean, I could listen to him at church (you know, the time when I actually use my own car and energy to get to where the Word of God is being taught). I never heard one word of condemnation from him. He truly was spreading the word of God's love. He was relevent and spoke to people concerning their every day lives. I couldn't help being captivated by his words. I found myself praying for those near him to have their ears, eyes and hearts opened to the message of the Love of God he was sending forth. I didn't want to get on my bus when it arrived. I could honestly feel the Power of God right there on the downtown streets of San Antonio.

The title of this article comes from an encounter I had with a fellow bus rider once we left our stop on our bus. This gentleman turned to me and stated that had the preacher gotten on our bus that he would have gotten off at the next stop. In response I told him, "Well, I would much rather hear what he has to say than at least 90% of the people on this bus." He didn't like that too much and turned away with only a couple other words to be uttered. I really wanted to ask him what had offended him so about the man. (Well, duh, we're all human...I think that's a given. But I wanted to hear him say that it was because he was talking about God and Jesus and that church is where that should be talked about...no to people on the street who really have no interest)

What he said, though, got me to thinking. What offends me? What offends you? What offends Christians? I would be willing to bet that the person sitting next to me was not athiest nor were any others at the bus stop. I am of the persuasion that most of the people there (and the gentleman beside me) were raised in a church and would claim to be some type of Christian/Catholic related religion. We see polls all the time that still show that 80% of the U.S. believing in God and the Bible. If this is the case, why are so many of these very people offended or embarrased about hearing and seeing streat preachers? We'll wear our little Jesus pins; but, don't ask us about it!

I believe that it boils down to the fact that many of these very "believers" know in their head what they have been reaised to believe. Many of them do not know what it is to know it in their hearts. It says that if you are ashamed of me before men I will be ashamed of you before my father. This was Jesus speaking to us. If we believe in Him then we should not ever be offended by hearing His word on the street, on T.V., on the radio...anywhere where people can share His good news.

This got me to thinking even further. When was the last time I actually led somebody to Christ? It's been a while. Perhaps because most of the people in my life already know Him or at least know where I stand concerning Him. I would venture to guess that many others are in this same place. The only thing I can say is that once I started to think of this I immediately prayed to God to make me more effective for Him. His agenda should be the only one that I should be striving to acheive. How easy it is to get our eyes off of His purpose. That's not to say that I don't talk about Jesus and God...I simply have not been or at least allowed myself to be in the place where God could use me to lead someone to Christ in a long time. Now, that offends me. So, I guess in answer to my question, I offend myself by not doing what it is that I have been called to do for the Son of the Living God who gave His life that I may live. The very Son who rose from the grave three days after those who should have known better put Him to death because they didn't like what He had to say. The same Son who lives to this day and will forever more.

Think back to when you first received Christ as your Savior. Do you still talk about him with the ferver and love that you once did? I know we mature in our knowledge and understanding...but, do you look more like Christ now than you did before that time? If you don't, that should offend you.

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Dream Interpretation

Okay, I've been having dreams that I don't care for too much. They involve spiders. Not just the little creepy crawly kind...the kind that rang from being the size of your hand to the size of your face. I have had four of them over the past couple years...three of them have been this year. I am looking for interpretations of what these dreams could mean since I don't typically dream of spiders. If you would like to help me figure out what they mean then please let me know! I have my own ideas; but, another point of view would be very helpful. If you don't want to know or help then stop reading here.

I am going to list the dreams in order here:

Late 2002

Spider Dream 1

I am in my bedroom. The room is filled with cobwebs. So many that you cannot avoid being covered by a sheet of them with each step. I am in the middle of all the cobwebs. As I look around to find a way out I see numerous spiders…large spiders about the size of my head. The spiders are surrounding me and getting closer. I awaken at this point in fear.

Early 2008

Spider Dream 2

I am on a RV with some people from work on the way down to the coast. The only person I really remember being there is one of the ranch managers; but, I do not remember which one. I think Trey may be there too; but, I can't be sure. We reach a beach house (which is not the one my employer allows us to use) which is understood to be where we are staying. It is in disrepair and in major need of a cleaning. There are huge cobwebs hanging everywhere. It is a wooden structure which looks grey from weathering.

I walk down the hall of the structure behind the ranch manager. A very large black spider, with a body about 3-4 inches long, drops from the ceiling down onto the back of the person in front of me. We quickly knock it off and it runs up the wall behind some old wall slats that have no covering. It looks like a pair of black eyes staring through venetian blinds. It moves in motion with me, watching my every move. It does not seem aggressive towards me. It only watches.

Later I am walking back down the same hall. The spider appears in front of me on the floor. It scurries up to me and proceeds to bite through my tennis shoes onto the top of my toes. There is a lot of blood that flows; but, there is no pain at all. The ranch manager stomps on the spider killing it. I sit down and begin to take off my shoe and then my sock. There is no wound and there is no blood on my foot.

At this point I awaken.

Early 2008

Spider Dream 3

I am on a school bus heading for a theme park. There is only one person I know on the bus. There are hard black spider webs hanging from the top of the entrance to the bus…like the fake spider webs that are sold as Halloween decorations. Each is about the size of my hand with the fingers spread apart. I ask the bus driver about them. He says that the spiders are all dead and there is nothing to worry about.

One of the people on the bus, a very thin blond girl who looks to be in her early 20's, begins to feel ill and asks for the bus to stop. She passes out. The one person I know picks her up and carries her off of the bus and I follow. We can see the theme park in the distance but are not close enough to make it there. We find an area where we can lay the girl down; we appear to be in a cement drainage ditch (just a small one). The girl has two large puncture marks on her arm almost at the bend of her elbow. She is bleeding a bit and her breathing has stopped.

I go back onto the bus to see what I can find that could have caused the injury. What I find are fuzzy hard shells about three inches around in diameter. The bus driver tells me that those are the dead bodies of the spiders. As I look at the thing in my hand it begins to move and a spider starts to climb out of it. I instruct the driver to destroy any and all of these things that are still on the bus.

I run back outside to assist with the girl and find that there is a little medical clinic across the street. I run over and ask if we can get some assistance with the injured girl. I inform them that she has stopped breathing and has a large puncture wound that could possibly be from a spider. They tell me that they have no openings and that she will not be seen today. At that moment the girl is brought into the clinic and we are informed that she is dead. I then turn to the front desk attendant and inform them that they will now have to drop everything in order to care for the body and that had they given the time to attempt to help her that she might possibly still be alive.

I do not recall much more of the dream except that once the girl's body is placed into a body bag she begins to breathe again. It is at this point that I awaken.

9/11/08

Spider Dream 4

I am on a mat in an exercise room on a wooden floor in a deep warrior's stance stretching when, as I look through my feet to the floor behind me, I see a spider about half the size of the palm of my hand drop down from behind me. I do not believe it is descending from me; it is just behind me. It walks over to my foot and there is a web between the wall and my foot…but the web is not connected to my foot. There is, however, one single strand of silk from the spider that is attached to my foot. The spider climbs on its web and there gets stuck. Its legs pull in and out of the web looking like the tentacles of a squid when it darts through the water. The spider's legs do this type of motion forward and back through the web. I am not scared; but, I do want to get away without pulling the spider with me to keep from getting bitten. At the same time I also do not want to break my pose nor what's left of my concentration. It is only when transitioning to a new position that I attempt to shake the spider's silk free from my foot. I picture the spider being pulled out of the web and being slung from side to side as the silk will not break and I begin to panic. I do not know if this happens or not as I awake from the dream and am a bit anxious because I really do not like spiders at all.

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New fortune awaits on public transportation & the doggone broken nose times two!

I ride the bus to work for the first time ever and my mom gets her nose broken by her dog. I’m not saying that by my attempt to save money on gas that my mom has gotten a broken nose. No, that is Megan’s fault. Megan is not the dog’s name; it is the daughter of Heather is my mother’s friend. In case you do not already know, my mother broke her nose and her wrist a couple months ago. Again, I blame Megan because she was there…the fact that my mom tripped over the dog is beside the point. If my mom hadn’t looked behind her to fine Megan she would have seen her dog cross in front of her as she was walking and thus she would not have collided with her lanky but sturdy greyhound.

The most recent event occurred while, again, my mom was watching Megan. The dog was playing with a toy and ended up ripping it in half. My mom, the neat freak that she is, reached down to pick up the toy and when she was about to stand up the dog crossed her path and her jaw collided with my mother’s nose. Okay, so it really isn’t Megan’s fault; but, she is the only other constant in the story besides my mom and the dog. Since the dog lives with my mom and doesn’t cause a broken nose every day I have to say that Megan is responsible.

Now, as far as my bus ride having anything to do with this—you ask? It doesn’t, it just so happens that I took our city’s lovely public transportation system to work today in an effort to save gas money. So, if a bus pass is $25 and I usually fill up my car every week for at least $37 this will save me quite a bit of money. I should be able to make it the rest of the month on the $10 I put in yesterday (I don’t drive too much other than to work and the grocery store). So, just for this month I should be able to save $113 in theory. I have tried to get my husband to take the bus as well; but, he’s a spoiled little brat. He came up with every excuse under the sun to not take the bus. Some were legit because he doesn’t always know when he’ll be getting off and sometimes the busses don’t run that late. The others were because he didn’t want to stand in the rain (if it was raining) because his stop is further away than mine…which it really isn’t, I just refused to argue. Though I offered no rebuttal he continued giving me excuses. I don’t know the schedules, I don’t know what time I’m getting off work, I don’t know how late I’m going to work out, I don’t know…I don’t know…I don’t know…you don’t know…blah, blah, blah {make sure you read that with whiney condescending voice}. His final words were, “What?” I informed him that I hadn’t said anything. “We’ll, you’re looking at me.” Well, duh, man! I’m not rude; you were talking to me weren’t you???? I always try to look at someone when they are speaking to me. Apparently this is something new to him. Oh well, just for that, all the money I’ll save is going to go into an account just for me!

So, this morning was my first ride to work on the bus. I have ridden the bus maybe twice before—way back in high school. Once to the mall and once to a concert where I ended up missing the last bus because I got on the wrong transfer (the driver was nice enough to deliver a friend and myself to a stop where we could be collected by our parents). To say that I was a little concerned this morning would be an understatement. But, I faired well and made it to work earlier than I would have had I driven (because, you know, I would have left late after oversleeping again). I even had enough time this morning before my bus to fry some eggs. I was even so nice as to make enough to share with any other member of my household who might care for some. Once on the bus I only had one person speak to me; which, is a blessing. You know, being as blond and beautiful as I am I am always getting pestered by men. I always skip around downtown singing “I feel pretty, oh so pretty…” I sometimes even dance a bit to try and keep most people at a distance. Nobody wants to get kicked from a downtown dancing freak. And then I puke on the nearest person because the whole display totally sickens me. Okay, that’s not quite true; but, I am a natural honey-blond. And one guy did give me the “eye” as he was exiting the bus saying, “Goodbye.” We’ll see how the afternoon commute goes…

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