Peace, fear, and balance

Just recently, mortality has come to the forefront of my mind.  In a different way than normally, mind you.  It has always been there because of my mom’s illnesses and then my own.  But, recently, things that have been sensitive issues in the past seem far exacerbated and fresh.  For example, my mother’s passing in 2013…granted, grief has many different stages; but, it seems I’ve back stepped in my progress.  It is back to being almost completely fresh and new and hurts like it did in the first year of coping.  The only thing I can think that would be the cause of this is that my marriage completely shattered and the pieces fell into a completely new and beautiful creature of grace, love, and forgiveness.  All the years I’ve spent being secretly scared and seemingly indifferent are now a thing of the past; but, they try to hold me captive with regret and self-loathing for allowing myself to be what I was instead of what I should have been.  For the very first time I truly feel life in my marriage and know that the man that is by my side loves me inside and out beyond comprehension.  I feel the security that I always wanted and hate that 21 years were wasted wanting something that I wasn’t fully capable of receiving though I wanted it desperately.

The fear of failure and rejection is slowly ebbing; but, with that change in the tide, a new fear is trying to creep into the picture.  The fear of losing the man I love, just when we are finally learning how to fully love each other…that fear keeps lurking in the darkness.  Every time we are apart my mind wonders if our goodbye will be the last.  Did we screw up too completely to deserve this chance at happiness?  Is this period in life going to be short lived?  I hope not…with everything in me I want it to last at least a minimum of double the time that we wasted not trying to make it right.  I am torn apart by the thought of it ending…I am scared that I will screw it up somehow.  I am scared that karma is going to pay me back for being a bitch.  I’m scared that all of those unforeseen things that happen by chance will all of a sudden happen.  Mortality.  Front and center.  It seems to be staring me in the face and making rude gestures.  Threatening gestures.  My heart wants only to revel in the newly found opportunity of love but my mind is all about reciprocity…that I do not deserve what I now have because of what I did to it for so long. 

I have never before known to my core that somebody wants and loves me so completely (I’m not saying it wasn’t there just that I didn’t “know” it; didn’t believe it; didn’t trust).  Not being an overly trusting person, this is a completely new experience for me.  I’m loving it.  I feel like I’m home.  I finally feel like I belong.  But, I also feel that it is too good to be true.

I know that we are never promised tomorrow…so many tomorrows came during the bad times; would life be so callous as to deny me balance with good?  I am trying to fight the thought that it won’t happen.  And it is tearing me apart.  For the first time EVER I want to be here for my husband, my daughter, my family, and the family that has accepted me into their own.  I don’t want this to end.  21 years of living in fear is hard to turn from.  My mind is letting go of one form just to try and embrace another.  I DON’T WANT IT.  I want security and peace.  I want to not be overly sensitive.  I want to not cry at the drop of a dime.  I want to be able to love so completely that there is no room for fear.  Yes, that is what I want…to love so completely that there is no room for fear.  In the words of the Foo Fighters, “I’m learning to walk again”.  Each step is new.