I Cried in Walmart today

I have been silent for quite a while.  I haven't wanted to write about anything because there has been nothing that I would consider "good" that wouldn't sound like I was complaining.

The past couple years have been very rough.  Without touching on all of the things that contributed to the mass-sucktatude that has been my life of late, I will say that just about anything I once had I no longer possess.  I almost lost my husband and my daughter (and I do mean to death...not just family breaking apart)...we lost our house, we (my husband and I both) lost our jobs, I lost my cat (who had been my emotional support for 13 years), I lost my doctor to a home invasion, I lost my best friend for an extended period of time...I lost everything that gave my life any type of stability.

...and I couldn't call my mom to talk about it.  Happy Birthday, by the way, Mom.

My little family doesn't have a lot of traditions that we uphold but one thing that I did do on a semi-regular basis was put up my little Christmas village for the holidays.  Seeing the little houses and decorations for a village in the stores is bittersweet.  When we left Texas to come live with my dad, we had to sell most of our belongings.  I kept some of my crafting things like sewing machines and looms...but everything else (aside from clothes and instruments) we sold.  Included within the items sold was my Christmas village.  I had several awesome pieces...one of a kind type things that my mom had found and had gifted to me over the past 20+ years since I'd been married.  Nearly all of my village were items she had given me with the exception of my very first pieces.  Those were given to me by another family member.

If you don't know me or know me well, I am very attached to things that people gift me.  I see it as a great honor to be thought of enough by someone else to receive a gift from them.  I love my mother very much.  She passed away from liver cancer on November 18, 2013.  So, there hasn't been a whole lot of time that has passed since her "transition".  Definitely not enough time for me to come to grips with the loss of her and the loss of some many of the gifts she had given me...namely my Christmas village.

Tonight I cried in Walmart when my husband suggested we could slowly start building up my village again.  As wonderful of a sentiment as that would seem to be; the thing that made my village so special to me was the fact that my mom found so many pieces to grow my little community.  I had an animated ice skating rink, a green house, a camping site, many little shops and houses, a couple churches (one that was stained glass), lots of little lights and so many other little things.  Yes, I could start a new village; but, it wouldn't be the same.  It wouldn't have my mom living in it...there would be no part of here there save a memory of what once was.  So, I freaking cried in Walmart.  I cried because so much of her is missing from my life now and I won't ever get it back.  I cried because any new consideration won't have her touch on it.  I cried because I no longer have a majority of the items she gave me.  I cried because it is her birthday...and in another 19 days it will be the 6th anniversary of her death.  This time of year always sucks...but it sucks even more because I lost the sentimental ties I once had with her because we had to sell everything or leave it behind to ensure we had a roof over our heads.

If you still have a mother, cherish her.  I still talk to mine and I believe she is here with me; but, it's days like this where she seems the farthest from me and the pain is fresh and raw.  One of the few family traditions we had was made possible by her...and I lost it all because life literally sucks sometimes.  So, I cried in Walmart today.

Peace, fear, and balance

Just recently, mortality has come to the forefront of my mind.  In a different way than normally, mind you.  It has always been there because of my mom’s illnesses and then my own.  But, recently, things that have been sensitive issues in the past seem far exacerbated and fresh.  For example, my mother’s passing in 2013…granted, grief has many different stages; but, it seems I’ve back stepped in my progress.  It is back to being almost completely fresh and new and hurts like it did in the first year of coping.  The only thing I can think that would be the cause of this is that my marriage completely shattered and the pieces fell into a completely new and beautiful creature of grace, love, and forgiveness.  All the years I’ve spent being secretly scared and seemingly indifferent are now a thing of the past; but, they try to hold me captive with regret and self-loathing for allowing myself to be what I was instead of what I should have been.  For the very first time I truly feel life in my marriage and know that the man that is by my side loves me inside and out beyond comprehension.  I feel the security that I always wanted and hate that 21 years were wasted wanting something that I wasn’t fully capable of receiving though I wanted it desperately.

The fear of failure and rejection is slowly ebbing; but, with that change in the tide, a new fear is trying to creep into the picture.  The fear of losing the man I love, just when we are finally learning how to fully love each other…that fear keeps lurking in the darkness.  Every time we are apart my mind wonders if our goodbye will be the last.  Did we screw up too completely to deserve this chance at happiness?  Is this period in life going to be short lived?  I hope not…with everything in me I want it to last at least a minimum of double the time that we wasted not trying to make it right.  I am torn apart by the thought of it ending…I am scared that I will screw it up somehow.  I am scared that karma is going to pay me back for being a bitch.  I’m scared that all of those unforeseen things that happen by chance will all of a sudden happen.  Mortality.  Front and center.  It seems to be staring me in the face and making rude gestures.  Threatening gestures.  My heart wants only to revel in the newly found opportunity of love but my mind is all about reciprocity…that I do not deserve what I now have because of what I did to it for so long. 

I have never before known to my core that somebody wants and loves me so completely (I’m not saying it wasn’t there just that I didn’t “know” it; didn’t believe it; didn’t trust).  Not being an overly trusting person, this is a completely new experience for me.  I’m loving it.  I feel like I’m home.  I finally feel like I belong.  But, I also feel that it is too good to be true.

I know that we are never promised tomorrow…so many tomorrows came during the bad times; would life be so callous as to deny me balance with good?  I am trying to fight the thought that it won’t happen.  And it is tearing me apart.  For the first time EVER I want to be here for my husband, my daughter, my family, and the family that has accepted me into their own.  I don’t want this to end.  21 years of living in fear is hard to turn from.  My mind is letting go of one form just to try and embrace another.  I DON’T WANT IT.  I want security and peace.  I want to not be overly sensitive.  I want to not cry at the drop of a dime.  I want to be able to love so completely that there is no room for fear.  Yes, that is what I want…to love so completely that there is no room for fear.  In the words of the Foo Fighters, “I’m learning to walk again”.  Each step is new.

My normal is abnormal

Well, I saw the doctor and went over my results (this was a while back...I'm late posting).  Though things looked possibly grim, it turns out (according to my hematologist) that, for me, abnormal is my normal.  My blood levels did not vary or sway too much over the past several years nor are they doing so now.  That means that there is no evidence of my bone marrow producing too many red blood cells as to pose a large threat to my health or to indicate polycythemia vera. 

I take this as welcomed news.  The fact that I get to proclaim even more that I am abnormal is a tremendous bonus! :)  Knowing that I do not have to get therapeutic phlebotomies is a good thing too...though, I sometimes wish I could still donate blood just to keep the number lower and to help those who are in need of O+ blood.

Shhhhh....I got some results; but, still really can't talk about it

Well, I received the results of my most recent blood work.  There has been no improvement and I am now being sent back to the hematologist.  I will see my previous hemat-dr this Thursday.  I am looking forward to getting things diagnosed and treated.  Hopefully it will help some of the issues I've been having for a while.

The portion of this post that is hush hush is this...in my research to find out all I can about the condition I have I stumbled upon a bit of information.  The polycythemia condition is categorized with blood cancers.  Well, this isn't sitting very well with me right now.  And the fact that I really can't share this is hard too.  I mean, this sucks.  If the full diagnosis is made that I do indeed truly have this condition then I'm going to have to tell my father (who just lost his wife {my mother} to liver cancer) that I have a blood cancer.  I'll have to tell my daughter...I'll have to tell my husband...I'll have to tell all my family and friends...  Which, I guess, will be a good thing because at that point I can talk about it.  The worst part of all of this is knowing that this is a high probability and not being able to seek comfort for it from anybody.  I mean, I don't want to accused of being a hypochondriac or anything (which has already happened).

So, in short, I'm trying not to fret until I see the doctor on Thursday.  I'm at least trying to hold my composure in the presence of others.  Until I can give a further update, please keep me in prayer...I need it in more ways than just for my health.

Talking about something you can't talk about

So, what do you do when you have something that is on your mind but you don't have someone to talk to about it?  You post your thoughts on a blog that nobody reads.

Just a little background...all my life my mom has had liver problems.  I know she didn't expect to live as long as she did.  November 18, 2013 was when we said goodbye to her...when liver cancer took her.  In addition to the numerous liver problems she also had an undiagnosed blood clotting issue.  None of the doctors were ever able to tell her what she actually had other than it was a hyper clotting disease.  This in and of itself wasn't the cause of the cancer but it does raise some concern with my health.

Several years ago I had some blood work come back and show that my red blood cell count was too high.  I didn't think too much of it because my stupid quack of a doctor at the time told me that it was elevated because I had had a hysterectomy and no longer had a period; so, I wasn't disposing of excess blood.  In addition, when I had my surgery for the hysterectomy I had complications.  I had to receive a blood transfusion.  Well, I'm O+ and I received O- blood.  This usually wouldn't be an issue except that I developed - antibodies.  This still isn't really a problem though it is probably why the issue in my blood was detected.  Prior to the complications of the hysterectomy, I regularly donated blood.  Not regular donations but double red blood cell donations.  Had I not developed the antibodies I would still be able to donate my double donation.  The fact that it takes over 24 hours to clean the blood of the antibodies puts me on the no-donation list...forever.  Well, unless they develop a new machine to wash the blood.

What does no longer donating mean for me?  It means that the very reason I could donate double red blood cells could really be an issue for my health.  Polycythemia is the clinical term for too many red blood cells.  Several doctors in my past (even after the stupid quack doctor) did nothing about the test results.  One did send me to a hematologist to have further testing done.  It wasn't ruled to be caused by anything environmental and the tests did not show any abnormalities in the Jak2 gene that can cause this issue.  As I recall, the next step was probably going to be a bone marrow biopsy. 

For whatever reasons I had back then, I did not pursue anything further.  Jump forward almost 5 years to my current awesome doctor who is concerned about the blood results.  From the test results he determined that he wanted to try me first on low dose aspirin to see if that would make any difference.  I go in two weeks to have more labs drawn to see if it has made any difference.  This has me a bit concerned.  On the one hand, I want to know if there is something wrong.  On the other hand, if there is something wrong it is something that can lead to leukemia. 

If it turns out that I do still have an issue then they have to find out what is causing it.  I don't want a bone marrow biopsy...I imagine they hurt quite a bit.  The standard treatment is therapeutic phlebotomy (which I'll have to pay for since I can no longer donate).  My mind sorta runs with this thought in that I could just do some blood letting and in my weakened condition possibly have an encounter with God...you know, like a Druid ritual but without Druidism and with being a firm believer in God.  Like a fast but of blood...not ingesting but expelling.  I know, I'm wacked.  That would be far too dangerous; and, with a history of suicidal tendencies, probably not a very wise idea.

Whatever the issue, the odds are not in my favor for it having resolved itself over the past few months when it has been getting worse since 2006 (I pulled some old blood work and compared numbers).  Faced with this fact one starts to really consider their mortality.  I have a 17 year old daughter and a wonderful husband to think about...and a newly widowed father.  I am not worried that God doesn't have a plan...I'm concerned for my ability to follow it.  My faith is very strong and I believe that with God all things are possible.  I also know that my mother's faith far exceeded my own and she still had to live through hell. 

All I can say with absolute surety is that I am a bit apprehensive about the future.  I want to be here for my daughter...for her future...her future family.  I want to be here for my husband.  He almost lost me once and I don't want anything like that to happen again.  I know if I talk to him about it he'll just tell me to not think about it.  That I haven't got any reason to worry.  That everything will be fine. 

...and that is exactly why I can't talk about it.  I don't want comfort or people to tell me everything will be alright.  I don't want to hear people tell me that if I worry then I don't have faith.  I don't want to hear people say that they will pray for me.  My faith tells me that I can face anything.  My mind tells me that there is a very plausible possibility that there is a serious issue because my mom had a blood issue and I do as well.  My heart tells me that life is too short to waste a moment.  I can feel a sense of urgency in not only getting things figured out but also in trying to be the best person that I can be in order to do the most good for those in my life. 

At the heart of everything, I'm just a scared little girl who wants her mamma.  I miss my mother more than I thought possible and I am scared that I may leave this earth in the same fashion that she did...only a lot sooner.  But, if that is God's will then I can accept it.  I am just not certain how I'll get through it.

So, thank goodness I don't have any followers on this blog; I would really hate to know that I bogged someone down with this just because I am struggling tonight with it.

Planning for the Future

Well, my child will be turning 16 in just under 4 months.  Kera, though, told me that she did not want a party nor did she want gifts...but, she knew that her family and friends would want to be a part of her special day and so she came up with the idea of sponsorship for a very special present.  Instead of the party and gifts she wants any and all monies that would have gone to the afore mentioned purpose to be put towards a new viola.  Yes, she currently has a viola; but, it is two sizes too small...and it is a beginners instrument.  Kera is playing in the Honors Orchestra in her highschool and needs a good quality instrument...one that is the proper size as well.

In the coming months I will be conducting a fund raising campaign to help assist all family and friends so that they can contribute to the one thing that Kera wants for her birthday. 

Please help spread the word!  The campaign link is below:

http://igg.me/p/253236?a=1614136

My cat's food is looking at me

I have been on a search to get a really good food into my kitties.  I recently began feeding then The Honest Kitchen (which my dogs love) and thought that all was well.  They started getting more energy, their hair was softer and they were getting to healthier weights.  They didn't like it too much and it took quite a while for them to eat it...I mean, they got to where they were starving before they would consume it.  Well, two did...one did not.  We didn't realize that Mali got herself into a little fit and refused to eat.  She started to feel really frail and for a nearly 20 pound cat that is quite scary.  Almost two weeks ago we had to get her to the emergency vet because she was going into liver failure...we could only tell this by the insides of her ears turning yellow (she's a black tortie and yellow is not easily visible).  Needless to say, it was a long night...there has been medication involved, some force feedings and a search for new food because in order to keep her out of danger we had to get a food she would eat.

I made her a homemade food in the beginning just to get her to eat...it consisted of 1 bottle of a children's electrolyte drink (unflavored) with 1000 mg of taurine added and 1 small jar of Beechnut Beef Baby food (this is the only brand that only has beef and broth as ingredients...the others all add at least corn starch which no cat needs).  She liked the baby food straight and since she would eat it I just added a bit of the electrolyte mixture so she would get the much needed taurine in her system. I tried to entice her with some Taste of the Wild wet cat food and she went right for it...so did the other two.  We had to try and feed Mali apart from the other two; but, they can get into every place we tried.  So, we gave up and decided to just get them all the food and give the rest of their Honest Kitchen food to the dogs.

Yesterday morning I went to buy more canned food for the fluff balls and ended up going to a few different places that I knew carried the food I wanted just so that I could compare prices.  Well, that and one of the stores is the only place that sells the chew sticks that my cat Maja loves.  Their cans were more expensive than one other close place I was going to check so I left with only the chew sticks (which, by the way, claim to be long lasting but they are not.  Perhaps they are for a normal cat; but, Maja can get through one in under a minute and they are almost 4 inches long).  On to Polly's Pet Store...

So, I'm at Polly's now and have obtained too many cans of rather expensive kitty food.  But, I figure that this will be much less expensive than further vet bills and a lot less traumatic than the loss of a furry family member.  As I round the corner I see a display of other kitty food.  It is called Tiki Cat and upon looking at the ingredients it is even more of what I am looking for.  It is mostly all sea food with the exception of a couple that have chicken.  And it is all wild caught and has no grains or over abundance of veggies and has all of the essential nutrients that my cats need...and the pictures of the food make me want to eat it.  It looks like real food...real rings of Calamari, real shrimp and flaky bits of fish.  Excited, I put back all the other cans of food (I did keep the small bag of crunchy kibble from Taste of the Wild to satisfy their crunch craze) and replaced them with two sample packs of the Tiki Cat for a total of 24 cans.

Getting home, I am greeted by three very hungry kitties.  I open one small can and divide it three ways because I am a little weary that they won't like it...they have never really cared for any sea food cat foods or even any human foods for that matter.  When I opened the can I was greeted with a pleasant aroma and food that looked like it should be going into a chicken or tuna salad.  It looked yummy and my husband and child even thought so.  The kitties at least loved the flavor; I don't know what they thought of the appearance.  I was concerned that they wouldn't eat it all because they usually just lick the gravy off of food and this food has no gravy.  They tore it up!

So, knowing that I had struck a winner with Tiki Cat I decided to open another additional can per kitty so that they could totally fill up on the wonderful goodness.  The next cans I opened were sardines.  My husband jokingly said that he fully expected to see something like a fish head stew in the can.  Well, he wasn't far off.  As I opened the can, there they were.  Five little fish heads with eyeballs still in the sockets looking up at me.  Wow!  It really is minimally processed!  How awesome?!  Now, I am not saying I want my food looking at me or that this one looked like something I would eat; but, this is much closer to what a cat in the wild would be eating.  But, would the kitties think the same?  Of course they did.  From giving them the Tiki Cat you would never know that I had finicky eaters and you surely would never know that just over a week ago one refused to eat and had almost committed kittycide by not eating and causing her liver to shutdown.

I now have perfectly sated kitties who clean their bowls and I have peace in knowing that my fuzz balls are getting healthy food that will ensure they stick around for quite a while longer.  I haven't gotten through all of the other flavors yet so I don't know how many more will look at me; but, I am certain that they will all be liked.

FYI---Mali is the kittie to the left in my header picture.  That was when she was just a kitten 8 years ago.  Now, she looks almost like Sweetie (seen in previous posts from 2007 when she passed of liver failure).  We love our kitties and couldn't bear to lose another one to liver failure, especially now that my mom is conquering liver cancer.  If Mali took good pictures I would post a current one of her.  She is awesome and we are all so glad that she is feeling better!

I have to say, that I also totally love the black cat that is on the Tiki Cat label...I'm sorta partial to black cats.