I Cried in Walmart today

I have been silent for quite a while.  I haven't wanted to write about anything because there has been nothing that I would consider "good" that wouldn't sound like I was complaining.

The past couple years have been very rough.  Without touching on all of the things that contributed to the mass-sucktatude that has been my life of late, I will say that just about anything I once had I no longer possess.  I almost lost my husband and my daughter (and I do mean to death...not just family breaking apart)...we lost our house, we (my husband and I both) lost our jobs, I lost my cat (who had been my emotional support for 13 years), I lost my doctor to a home invasion, I lost my best friend for an extended period of time...I lost everything that gave my life any type of stability.

...and I couldn't call my mom to talk about it.  Happy Birthday, by the way, Mom.

My little family doesn't have a lot of traditions that we uphold but one thing that I did do on a semi-regular basis was put up my little Christmas village for the holidays.  Seeing the little houses and decorations for a village in the stores is bittersweet.  When we left Texas to come live with my dad, we had to sell most of our belongings.  I kept some of my crafting things like sewing machines and looms...but everything else (aside from clothes and instruments) we sold.  Included within the items sold was my Christmas village.  I had several awesome pieces...one of a kind type things that my mom had found and had gifted to me over the past 20+ years since I'd been married.  Nearly all of my village were items she had given me with the exception of my very first pieces.  Those were given to me by another family member.

If you don't know me or know me well, I am very attached to things that people gift me.  I see it as a great honor to be thought of enough by someone else to receive a gift from them.  I love my mother very much.  She passed away from liver cancer on November 18, 2013.  So, there hasn't been a whole lot of time that has passed since her "transition".  Definitely not enough time for me to come to grips with the loss of her and the loss of some many of the gifts she had given me...namely my Christmas village.

Tonight I cried in Walmart when my husband suggested we could slowly start building up my village again.  As wonderful of a sentiment as that would seem to be; the thing that made my village so special to me was the fact that my mom found so many pieces to grow my little community.  I had an animated ice skating rink, a green house, a camping site, many little shops and houses, a couple churches (one that was stained glass), lots of little lights and so many other little things.  Yes, I could start a new village; but, it wouldn't be the same.  It wouldn't have my mom living in it...there would be no part of here there save a memory of what once was.  So, I freaking cried in Walmart.  I cried because so much of her is missing from my life now and I won't ever get it back.  I cried because any new consideration won't have her touch on it.  I cried because I no longer have a majority of the items she gave me.  I cried because it is her birthday...and in another 19 days it will be the 6th anniversary of her death.  This time of year always sucks...but it sucks even more because I lost the sentimental ties I once had with her because we had to sell everything or leave it behind to ensure we had a roof over our heads.

If you still have a mother, cherish her.  I still talk to mine and I believe she is here with me; but, it's days like this where she seems the farthest from me and the pain is fresh and raw.  One of the few family traditions we had was made possible by her...and I lost it all because life literally sucks sometimes.  So, I cried in Walmart today.